I'm meant to be studying right now. In fact, that's all I've been meant to be doing for several weeks now. I've been going to college two evenings a week, given up work, spent plenty of time at my desk, yet, I know that I've done nothing. I'm looking at third time unlucky coming up.
You see, I'm doing the FE1 exams. These exams, if I ever pass them, will allow me to start training to be a solicitor and I'll be able to eventually qualify and get that dream job. Therein lies the problem though: If I ever pass them. I graduated from college with my Law and History degree in 2014, delighted with myself that I finally did it after a really tough time getting there. I thought that I'd dealt with the worst. That turned out to be the easy bit. Since then I've attempted the exams twice and passed one out of four exams each time. Great, you'd say, except for the fact that these exams require that you pass at least three exams in your first sitting or you have to sit them all again. So I'm still at zero and have now made the extremely stupid decision to sit six exams this time based on logic that I'm not sure I understand anymore.
I just want to reach the potential that other people seem to believe that I have. Since I was young I've been told that I'm smart and I'll do great, blah, blah, blah, yet, here I am at 25 years old, living the classic "life of a failure": living at home on social welfare. I'm watching my friends and family do the great things and I am so jealous. They've got impressive jobs, or are working on PhDs, or are getting to travel the world - I know someone who's managing to do all 3. This isn't where I though I'd be at 25: I imagined living in the city with my boyfriend, working in a law firm and having a great social life. I want a life that I can be proud of, that I could say that I earned.
I know that I have my excuses, that I've been through stuff, but I don't think that that's good enough. I am perfectly capable, I just appear to have given up those capabilities and put myself in this miserable situation instead. It's not that I want to give up, my mind and body just seem to have made that decision for me.
So now, in two weeks time I attempt to sit these exams again and six weeks after those I'll get the results. In the meantime I guess I better try come up with a new career aim.
Thursday, September 22, 2016
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
Who knew what a #hashtag could do?
So I'm sure that everyone has come across the #nomakeupselfie trend by now? Where ladies will post up pictures of themselves without any make up on to spread awareness of breast cancer. As ridiculous as it sounds, due to the fact that these women actually donated money as well as posted the picture, it has become a very successful venture and has even spread to #makeupselfies for men to partake in!
However, it has had a strange effect on me that I did not expect. It brought me back to 2007 when I was told that I had a "small cancer" in my neck. Acinic Cell Carcinoma in the parotid (salivary) gland to be exact. It took two surgeries and 6 months of partial facial paralysis but I was fine after that. I was lucky, I know that, but yet here I am crying. Crying! This new trend has somehow brought those feeling back to me. Feelings that I'm not sure I knew were there in the first place.
The cancer itself was never really the problem. It was a small lump and was removed before it could cause much damage. The problem is that with cancer comes the fear and emotion. It's a scary word, everyone knows that. My mother was worried about telling my Nana simply because the "C word" would cause her to panic. For someone like me, that can be the hardest part. I was never sick, just scared. However, I don't feel that my experience should be disregarded. I still have the memories and the scar. I still know that it was there. I still get upset reading about it and the death of Adam Yauch of the Beastie Boys hit me hard. I had never heard of anyone having cancer in their parotid gland before, let alone die. The same happened when hearing that Barcelona FC manager Tito Vilanova had to take time off to recover from parotid gland cancer. They are scary shots of reality and I have no idea what''ll happen in the future even if I have no right parotid gland anymore!
So I suppose with all this I want to show you a bit of the reality of the aftermath of cancer even if it's small and you come out of it totally healthy. I am not really a fan of these trends as I never believed that they could help before but I am willing to take part in this one - my only diversion to the rule is that I am not supporting breast cancer specifically but am donating to the Irish Cancer Society in general. If there was a more specific society for my cancer I would donate to them but there isn't from what I can find in Ireland.
You'll see three pictures below. The first is my scar, or scars to be exact as they are the result of those two surgeries. The second is my make up free face - I made that face deliberately as I wanted to try show the permanent results of the facial paralysis that remain. Back in 2007 it was much worse and I am lucky that so much came back but I still have some parts that won't recover, mostly in and around my right eye. The third is my donation to the Irish Cancer Society because if I am doing this then I am doing it right. Finally, I am not nominating anyone, not everyone is a fan of these and/or wants to do it for whatever reason and I can't be the only one who is affected by this. I wasn't even planning on doing this despite being nominated. I do ask one thing. keep smiling, we all go through a lot but we should all keep smiling during and after it. :)
S
However, it has had a strange effect on me that I did not expect. It brought me back to 2007 when I was told that I had a "small cancer" in my neck. Acinic Cell Carcinoma in the parotid (salivary) gland to be exact. It took two surgeries and 6 months of partial facial paralysis but I was fine after that. I was lucky, I know that, but yet here I am crying. Crying! This new trend has somehow brought those feeling back to me. Feelings that I'm not sure I knew were there in the first place.
The cancer itself was never really the problem. It was a small lump and was removed before it could cause much damage. The problem is that with cancer comes the fear and emotion. It's a scary word, everyone knows that. My mother was worried about telling my Nana simply because the "C word" would cause her to panic. For someone like me, that can be the hardest part. I was never sick, just scared. However, I don't feel that my experience should be disregarded. I still have the memories and the scar. I still know that it was there. I still get upset reading about it and the death of Adam Yauch of the Beastie Boys hit me hard. I had never heard of anyone having cancer in their parotid gland before, let alone die. The same happened when hearing that Barcelona FC manager Tito Vilanova had to take time off to recover from parotid gland cancer. They are scary shots of reality and I have no idea what''ll happen in the future even if I have no right parotid gland anymore!
So I suppose with all this I want to show you a bit of the reality of the aftermath of cancer even if it's small and you come out of it totally healthy. I am not really a fan of these trends as I never believed that they could help before but I am willing to take part in this one - my only diversion to the rule is that I am not supporting breast cancer specifically but am donating to the Irish Cancer Society in general. If there was a more specific society for my cancer I would donate to them but there isn't from what I can find in Ireland.
You'll see three pictures below. The first is my scar, or scars to be exact as they are the result of those two surgeries. The second is my make up free face - I made that face deliberately as I wanted to try show the permanent results of the facial paralysis that remain. Back in 2007 it was much worse and I am lucky that so much came back but I still have some parts that won't recover, mostly in and around my right eye. The third is my donation to the Irish Cancer Society because if I am doing this then I am doing it right. Finally, I am not nominating anyone, not everyone is a fan of these and/or wants to do it for whatever reason and I can't be the only one who is affected by this. I wasn't even planning on doing this despite being nominated. I do ask one thing. keep smiling, we all go through a lot but we should all keep smiling during and after it. :)
S
Friday, November 1, 2013
I think that I had a epiphany in the middle of this post...
It all seemed so easy, so simple. Three years in college, some work placement in the middle and then I could move into the real world. Everyone else could do it, why would there b any reason why I couldn't? And for the first three years it was all going that way. I got through first and second year pretty successfully (if I do say so myself) and I had done well on my work placement. All set, bring that final year on.
That's when things changed. Major factors that I had never counted for, even in the usual drama that was my life, came into play. That July, about 15 months ago now, I was told that I had been diagnosed with epilepsy. Right, big thing, but I'm not going to let it get in my way. How much can it affect me?
A lot it appears. Naïvely I continued on and returned to college as if nothing was wrong but that didn't last long. The fatigue hit, the headaches wouldn't leave me alone and the work piled up. All of a sudden all I could feel was anxiety, severe anxiety at that. I couldn't think straight, I was always upset and I panicked over EVERYTHING. I had to get official letter from my doctor to explain that I was literally too exhausted to come to class and that my medication caused lack of concentration (as if mine wasn't bad enough!) meaning that I was finding it difficult, no impossible, to work on assignments. This from the girl who never even took sick days as a kid. It was humiliating. It didn't feel like a weakness but more like I had been stripped of all power. Of course, that just added to my problems because I then had to deal with all that too.
It all came to a head about this time last year. I just couldn't cope anymore. Mentally or physically. I had spent the last week on an essay that I knew was useless. It was unlike anything that I'd handed up before, even the results of late nighters, and I couldn't shake the feeling that this was it for me. From day one I hadn't been the student that I used to be. I was never Miss Perfect Over-Prepared Perfect Student, but I was me. Unorganized and lazy but I knew what I was doing and what I was talking about. This year I was just lost, constantly lost, and others could see it too. So when a friend happened to mention that he was deferring his year, I knew that that was what I needed to do. I made myself a deal: If I got that essay back and I had done alright then I would try stick it out, if not, then I was out. I got the essay back, I got a 48.
In hindsight, considering everything, I actually did alright, but at the time I was totally devastated. It was the last straw. I begged for a chance to redo it but at the same time I knew that I really just had to bite the bullet and defer. It was probably the best decision that I made that year.
So now I'm back. A new year, a new me. I'm still recovering from everything from last year, I'm not back to "normal", I don't think that I ever will be. That's fine though. I started writing this blog as some kind of rant about me still being the disaster that I was - I'm only up at this ridiculous hour because I was working on an essay that was due over a week ago (I'm still working on the concentration issues) - but I now realise that I am so much better. I'm a little stressed, a little distracted, a little upset, but I am so much stronger, so much more together than I was. I am more free. I still have my issues, I still have things to cope with but I'm not what I was last year. I am the new me that I promised myself that I would be.
To end, after I got my diagnosis I was told that my three main triggers were probably tiredness, hunger and stress. Did no one ever explain to them what final year was?!
That's when things changed. Major factors that I had never counted for, even in the usual drama that was my life, came into play. That July, about 15 months ago now, I was told that I had been diagnosed with epilepsy. Right, big thing, but I'm not going to let it get in my way. How much can it affect me?
A lot it appears. Naïvely I continued on and returned to college as if nothing was wrong but that didn't last long. The fatigue hit, the headaches wouldn't leave me alone and the work piled up. All of a sudden all I could feel was anxiety, severe anxiety at that. I couldn't think straight, I was always upset and I panicked over EVERYTHING. I had to get official letter from my doctor to explain that I was literally too exhausted to come to class and that my medication caused lack of concentration (as if mine wasn't bad enough!) meaning that I was finding it difficult, no impossible, to work on assignments. This from the girl who never even took sick days as a kid. It was humiliating. It didn't feel like a weakness but more like I had been stripped of all power. Of course, that just added to my problems because I then had to deal with all that too.
It all came to a head about this time last year. I just couldn't cope anymore. Mentally or physically. I had spent the last week on an essay that I knew was useless. It was unlike anything that I'd handed up before, even the results of late nighters, and I couldn't shake the feeling that this was it for me. From day one I hadn't been the student that I used to be. I was never Miss Perfect Over-Prepared Perfect Student, but I was me. Unorganized and lazy but I knew what I was doing and what I was talking about. This year I was just lost, constantly lost, and others could see it too. So when a friend happened to mention that he was deferring his year, I knew that that was what I needed to do. I made myself a deal: If I got that essay back and I had done alright then I would try stick it out, if not, then I was out. I got the essay back, I got a 48.
In hindsight, considering everything, I actually did alright, but at the time I was totally devastated. It was the last straw. I begged for a chance to redo it but at the same time I knew that I really just had to bite the bullet and defer. It was probably the best decision that I made that year.
So now I'm back. A new year, a new me. I'm still recovering from everything from last year, I'm not back to "normal", I don't think that I ever will be. That's fine though. I started writing this blog as some kind of rant about me still being the disaster that I was - I'm only up at this ridiculous hour because I was working on an essay that was due over a week ago (I'm still working on the concentration issues) - but I now realise that I am so much better. I'm a little stressed, a little distracted, a little upset, but I am so much stronger, so much more together than I was. I am more free. I still have my issues, I still have things to cope with but I'm not what I was last year. I am the new me that I promised myself that I would be.
To end, after I got my diagnosis I was told that my three main triggers were probably tiredness, hunger and stress. Did no one ever explain to them what final year was?!
Monday, September 16, 2013
It's A New Dawn, It's A New Day, It's A New Life
So it's half three in the morning and I'm fully aware that I should be in bed right now but here I am packing up to move back up to Maynooth after two years away. Well, if we're being technical, I was there for a whole two months last year but that was such a fail I don't really count it. This is a big deal for me and I am pretty nervous if I'm honest, I am heading into an entirely new year, which will consist mostly of students who were still doing their leaving cert the last time I was a proper college student. They're going to be babies and I'm just... old.
Final year is going to be tough, I have heard all the stories. I may not be queen of academia but I can work when I have to and I am prepared. I refuse to let myself down. I don't think that work will be my biggest issue though, that would be how different this year will be in comparison to before. Back then I knew everyone, I would always bump into some, would always have someone to head out with and I would always have something to do. I was never really on my own and I'm scared that I will be this year. Most of my friends have graduated, some have even finished their Masters already, and very few are still around. Those that are would be pretty busy with either their post-grads or jobs. I am going to have to try and get used to making new friends again and pushing myself to keep a social life.
But, I am not letting anything put me down. I am only going to let the last two years make me better. I have learned from them and they have made me even more determined to be the best student that I can be. I'm not expecting miracles and I'm prepared for the obstacles that I know will get in my way, but I know that I can do this. I want this year to pave the way for the new me. The me that can handle everything that can come my way, and I am expecting a lot. I'm a big girl and I am strong. I just need to prove that to myself.
Bring it on. Bring it all on.
Final year is going to be tough, I have heard all the stories. I may not be queen of academia but I can work when I have to and I am prepared. I refuse to let myself down. I don't think that work will be my biggest issue though, that would be how different this year will be in comparison to before. Back then I knew everyone, I would always bump into some, would always have someone to head out with and I would always have something to do. I was never really on my own and I'm scared that I will be this year. Most of my friends have graduated, some have even finished their Masters already, and very few are still around. Those that are would be pretty busy with either their post-grads or jobs. I am going to have to try and get used to making new friends again and pushing myself to keep a social life.
But, I am not letting anything put me down. I am only going to let the last two years make me better. I have learned from them and they have made me even more determined to be the best student that I can be. I'm not expecting miracles and I'm prepared for the obstacles that I know will get in my way, but I know that I can do this. I want this year to pave the way for the new me. The me that can handle everything that can come my way, and I am expecting a lot. I'm a big girl and I am strong. I just need to prove that to myself.
Bring it on. Bring it all on.
Thursday, February 21, 2013
The rantings of depression at 3 in the morning.
I don't know what I'm writing. I'm not even sure why I am. But here I am.
I should be in bed. It's 3.11am and I'm up 'early' tomorrow. Well 9am. For me that's practically the break of dawn though. My days are totally screwed up lately. Bed in the early hours of the morning (it was 5am last 'night') and then I won't be able to wake up until at least 12 - 14 hours later. That's pretty much the whole day gone. Certainly the Sun has come and gone at that stage. Sure, who needs sunlight.
I miss having a normal life. With structure. With friends. With things to do. And despite my parents' belief, cleaning does not count as any kind of damn motivation. It's only more reason to avoid getting up. Though everything is these days. What's the point of getting up sure? I have nothing to do, nowhere to go and I'll just end up stuck on this laptop for more timewasting.
I had a life, quite a good one if I'm honest. I was popular, always had someone to talk with and somewhere to go. I'm not trying to make out that I was everyone's favourite person, but I had people who seemed to like e and be willing to spend time with me. Now I feel like that's all gone. No oone seems to want to know me anymore. I'm even being blatantly blanked.
I'm not a bad person so why do I feel like one? I just want a life. One where I feel like I actually have a reason to be around. I think I've lost my chance though. I gave that up when I left college. The first time really, but I solidified that by leaving again.
I'm a mess. I have too much going on and I have lost the emotional stability to handle it all. To handle any of it. How is it that some people can go through life as if it was a perfect fairytale while others get totally screwed over. How is that fair?
Depression (and everything else). Fuck you and what you have done to me. I hope that you're happy. Because I'm not.
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
And I'm back!
I know, I know! I'm useless! And for that I apologise but I do hope to get back into this blog this year. We'll see what final year will allow!
As a quick update for you, I have spent the last year on work placement with a law firm in Dublin which even included a few months on secondment in one of their big clients! I have to say that it was an amazing experience, and having now finished, I actually miss working! I lived in Dublin for that year but I have now moved back home and will be back in Maynooth in a few week and I cannot wait for that. I'll be going into my final year and a new year at that, as most of my friends did not do an extra year last year and have now graduated. So it'll be a bit of a new experience but I'm ready for it. :)
I have had a few health scares and a lot of drama this year so be prepared for a few off posts but I'm aiming for happy year so lets make that happen! :)
As a quick update for you, I have spent the last year on work placement with a law firm in Dublin which even included a few months on secondment in one of their big clients! I have to say that it was an amazing experience, and having now finished, I actually miss working! I lived in Dublin for that year but I have now moved back home and will be back in Maynooth in a few week and I cannot wait for that. I'll be going into my final year and a new year at that, as most of my friends did not do an extra year last year and have now graduated. So it'll be a bit of a new experience but I'm ready for it. :)
I have had a few health scares and a lot of drama this year so be prepared for a few off posts but I'm aiming for happy year so lets make that happen! :)
Monday, September 19, 2011
Goody Goody Two Shoes
I don't do drugs. I don't smoke. I don't drink.
Yes, I am that boring.
However, it's not something that I'm ashamed of really. It's just me!
It really shocks other people though. Well not the first two so much as the last one. The not drinking just seems to be something that others don't understand. I suppose I do get why though, it's an Irish culture thing. People drink to have a good time. I have no problem with that, that's their choice, it's just not mine for myself.
I can't really give a proper explanation as to why I don't drink. Well when I say that I don't drink, I do have one or two every so often but I'll never have enough to effect me in any way. I have just never really seen the need for it myself I suppose. When I first made the decision there were reasons for it, past experiences, personal opinion, etc. but now I just don't feel particularly bothered by it. I just don't see a need to start drinking now when I've had such a great time without it so far.
Then again, some people's shock at me not drinking seems to be more linked to my personality. I was talking to one guy who was convinced that I remembered as little as him of all our late night conversations in the middle of the pub. Unfortunately for him I remember them all! Others just see me out and presume I'm drunk! I don't really blame them to be honest, I get way too hyper on nights out sometimes. I can be just as crazy as someone who has been drinking all night, if not worse. I'm happy to dance like an idiot if I want and do mad stuff if I want. In fact, I should probably worry about these thing more sometimes. I'll probably end up getting myself in trouble one day and I'll have no plea of intoxication to use as my defense! Ah sure, I'll live life as I like until then!
The way I see it is simple, you don't need drink to have fun. I genuinely think that if I did drink, the alcohol would have a reverse effect on me and I'd probably end up being more of an introvert and where's the fun in that? If I can be called the "life and soul of the party" now (and what a compliment that was!), why would I try to change that?! Plenty of people have tried to convince me that they'd get me drunk and I'd love it but they haven't managed yet and I doubt they'd be right. I like being able to go out, have a great night and remember it all the next morning whilst feeling great. I love being able to go on a night out and still come home with the same amount that I went out with.
Don't get me wrong though. I have no problem with anyone else drinking. It's just not for me. I know that others enjoy it and they have every right to. In fact, I kind of prefer drinkers to some of the non-drinkers that I know. Some of them just insist on judging people for their drinking habits. How rude is that though? They have no right to decide that if a person is drinking, they must be of a lower caliber of person.Who thinks like that?! And why? I don't see myself as better because I don't drink. The only thing that makes me different from them is my sobriety.
I don't know if that actually explained anything, which was the original purpose of this blog, but at least some of you will see more of my side now. Though in credit to most people, they don't tend to care that much once they've gotten over the initial shock. Despite many claims and attempts, no one has managed to get me drunk yet! There you have it though, I am a goody goody who doesn't drink. What are you going to do about it?!
Love from my crazy weirdo goody goody self!
XxCrazyxAngelxX
XoxoX
Yes, I am that boring.
However, it's not something that I'm ashamed of really. It's just me!
It really shocks other people though. Well not the first two so much as the last one. The not drinking just seems to be something that others don't understand. I suppose I do get why though, it's an Irish culture thing. People drink to have a good time. I have no problem with that, that's their choice, it's just not mine for myself.
I can't really give a proper explanation as to why I don't drink. Well when I say that I don't drink, I do have one or two every so often but I'll never have enough to effect me in any way. I have just never really seen the need for it myself I suppose. When I first made the decision there were reasons for it, past experiences, personal opinion, etc. but now I just don't feel particularly bothered by it. I just don't see a need to start drinking now when I've had such a great time without it so far.
Then again, some people's shock at me not drinking seems to be more linked to my personality. I was talking to one guy who was convinced that I remembered as little as him of all our late night conversations in the middle of the pub. Unfortunately for him I remember them all! Others just see me out and presume I'm drunk! I don't really blame them to be honest, I get way too hyper on nights out sometimes. I can be just as crazy as someone who has been drinking all night, if not worse. I'm happy to dance like an idiot if I want and do mad stuff if I want. In fact, I should probably worry about these thing more sometimes. I'll probably end up getting myself in trouble one day and I'll have no plea of intoxication to use as my defense! Ah sure, I'll live life as I like until then!
The way I see it is simple, you don't need drink to have fun. I genuinely think that if I did drink, the alcohol would have a reverse effect on me and I'd probably end up being more of an introvert and where's the fun in that? If I can be called the "life and soul of the party" now (and what a compliment that was!), why would I try to change that?! Plenty of people have tried to convince me that they'd get me drunk and I'd love it but they haven't managed yet and I doubt they'd be right. I like being able to go out, have a great night and remember it all the next morning whilst feeling great. I love being able to go on a night out and still come home with the same amount that I went out with.
Don't get me wrong though. I have no problem with anyone else drinking. It's just not for me. I know that others enjoy it and they have every right to. In fact, I kind of prefer drinkers to some of the non-drinkers that I know. Some of them just insist on judging people for their drinking habits. How rude is that though? They have no right to decide that if a person is drinking, they must be of a lower caliber of person.Who thinks like that?! And why? I don't see myself as better because I don't drink. The only thing that makes me different from them is my sobriety.
I don't know if that actually explained anything, which was the original purpose of this blog, but at least some of you will see more of my side now. Though in credit to most people, they don't tend to care that much once they've gotten over the initial shock. Despite many claims and attempts, no one has managed to get me drunk yet! There you have it though, I am a goody goody who doesn't drink. What are you going to do about it?!
Love from my crazy weirdo goody goody self!
XxCrazyxAngelxX
XoxoX
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