I think that I had a epiphany in the middle of this post...

It all seemed so easy, so simple. Three years in college, some work placement in the middle and then I could move into the real world. Everyone else could do it, why would there b any reason why I couldn't? And for the first three years it was all going that way. I got through first and second year pretty successfully (if I do say so myself) and I had done well on my work placement. All set, bring that final year on.

That's when things changed. Major factors that I had never counted for, even in the usual drama that was my life, came into play. That July, about 15 months ago now, I was told that I had been diagnosed with epilepsy. Right, big thing, but I'm not going to let it get in my way. How much can it affect me?

A lot it appears. Naïvely I continued on and returned to college as if nothing was wrong but that didn't last long. The fatigue hit, the headaches wouldn't leave me alone and the work piled up. All of a sudden all I could feel was anxiety, severe anxiety at that. I couldn't think straight, I was always upset and I panicked over EVERYTHING. I had to get official letter from my doctor to explain that I was literally too exhausted to come to class and that my medication caused lack of concentration (as if mine wasn't bad enough!) meaning that I was finding it difficult, no impossible, to work on assignments. This from the girl who never even took sick days as a kid. It was humiliating. It didn't feel like a weakness but more like I had been stripped of all power. Of course, that just added to my problems because I then had to deal with all that too.

It all came to a head about this time last year. I just couldn't cope anymore. Mentally or physically. I had spent the last week on an essay that I knew was useless. It was unlike anything that I'd handed up before, even the results of late nighters, and I couldn't shake the feeling that this was it for me. From day one I hadn't been the student that I used to be. I was never Miss Perfect Over-Prepared Perfect Student, but I was me. Unorganized and lazy but I knew what I was doing and what I was talking about. This year I was just lost, constantly lost, and others could see it too. So when a friend happened to mention that he was deferring his year, I knew that that was what I needed to do. I made myself a deal: If I got that essay back and I had done alright then I would try stick it out, if not, then I was out. I got the essay back, I got a 48.

In hindsight, considering everything, I actually did alright, but at the time I was totally devastated. It was the last straw. I begged for a chance to redo it but at the same time I knew that I really just had to bite the bullet and defer. It was probably the best decision that I made that year.

So now I'm back. A new year, a new me. I'm still recovering from everything from last year, I'm not back to "normal", I don't think that I ever will be. That's fine though. I started writing this blog as some kind of rant about me still being the disaster that I was - I'm only up at this ridiculous hour because I was working on an essay that was due over a week ago (I'm still working on the concentration issues) - but I now realise that I am so much better. I'm a little stressed, a little distracted, a little upset, but I am so much stronger, so much more together than I was. I am more free. I still have my issues, I still have things to cope with but I'm not what I was last year. I am the new me that I promised myself that I would be.

To end, after I got my diagnosis I was told that my three main triggers were probably tiredness, hunger and stress. Did no one ever explain to them what final year was?!

It's A New Dawn, It's A New Day, It's A New Life

So it's half three in the morning and I'm fully aware that I should be in bed right now but here I am packing up to move back up to Maynooth after two years away. Well, if we're being technical, I was there for a whole two months last year but that was such a fail I don't really count it. This is a big deal for me and I am pretty nervous if I'm honest, I am heading into an entirely new year, which will consist mostly of students who were still doing their leaving cert the last time I was a proper college student. They're going to be babies and I'm just... old.

Final year is going to be tough, I have heard all the stories. I may not be queen of academia but I can work when I have to and I am prepared. I refuse to let myself down. I don't think that work will be my biggest issue though, that would be how different this year will be in comparison to before. Back then I knew everyone, I would always bump into some, would always have someone to head out with and I would always have something to do. I was never really on my own and I'm scared that I will be this year. Most of my friends have graduated, some have even finished their Masters already, and very few are still around. Those that are would be pretty busy with either their post-grads or jobs. I am going to have to try and get used to making new friends again and pushing myself to keep a social life.

But, I am not letting anything put me down. I am only going to let the last two years make me better. I have learned from them and they have made me even more determined to be the best student that I can be. I'm not expecting miracles and I'm prepared for the obstacles that I know will get in my way, but I know that I can do this. I want this year to pave the way for the new me. The me that can handle everything that can come my way, and I am expecting a lot. I'm a big girl and I am strong. I just need to prove that to myself.

Bring it on. Bring it all on.

The rantings of depression at 3 in the morning.

I don't know what I'm writing. I'm not even sure why I am. But here I am.

I should be in bed. It's 3.11am and I'm up 'early' tomorrow. Well 9am. For me that's practically the break of dawn though. My days are totally screwed up lately. Bed in the early hours of the morning (it was 5am last 'night') and then I won't be able to wake up until at least 12 - 14 hours later. That's pretty much the whole day gone. Certainly the Sun has come and gone at that stage. Sure, who needs sunlight. 

I miss having a normal life. With structure. With friends. With things to do. And despite my parents' belief, cleaning does not count as any kind of damn motivation. It's only more reason to avoid getting up. Though everything is these days. What's the point of getting up sure? I have nothing to do, nowhere to go and I'll just end up stuck on this laptop for more timewasting. 

I had a life, quite a good one if I'm honest. I was popular, always had someone to talk with and somewhere to go. I'm not trying to make out that I was everyone's favourite person, but I had people who seemed to like e and be willing to spend time with me. Now I feel like that's all gone. No oone seems to want to know me anymore. I'm even being blatantly blanked.

I'm not a bad person so why do I feel like one? I just want a life. One where I feel like I actually have a reason to be around. I think I've lost my chance though. I gave that up when I left college. The first time really, but I solidified that by leaving again.

I'm a mess. I have too much going on and I have lost the emotional stability to handle it all. To handle any of it. How is it that some people can go through life as if it was a perfect fairytale while others get totally screwed over. How is that fair?

Depression (and everything else). Fuck you and what you have done to me. I hope that you're happy. Because I'm not.