The rantings of depression at 3 in the morning.

I don't know what I'm writing. I'm not even sure why I am. But here I am.

I should be in bed. It's 3.11am and I'm up 'early' tomorrow. Well 9am. For me that's practically the break of dawn though. My days are totally screwed up lately. Bed in the early hours of the morning (it was 5am last 'night') and then I won't be able to wake up until at least 12 - 14 hours later. That's pretty much the whole day gone. Certainly the Sun has come and gone at that stage. Sure, who needs sunlight. 

I miss having a normal life. With structure. With friends. With things to do. And despite my parents' belief, cleaning does not count as any kind of damn motivation. It's only more reason to avoid getting up. Though everything is these days. What's the point of getting up sure? I have nothing to do, nowhere to go and I'll just end up stuck on this laptop for more timewasting. 

I had a life, quite a good one if I'm honest. I was popular, always had someone to talk with and somewhere to go. I'm not trying to make out that I was everyone's favourite person, but I had people who seemed to like e and be willing to spend time with me. Now I feel like that's all gone. No oone seems to want to know me anymore. I'm even being blatantly blanked.

I'm not a bad person so why do I feel like one? I just want a life. One where I feel like I actually have a reason to be around. I think I've lost my chance though. I gave that up when I left college. The first time really, but I solidified that by leaving again.

I'm a mess. I have too much going on and I have lost the emotional stability to handle it all. To handle any of it. How is it that some people can go through life as if it was a perfect fairytale while others get totally screwed over. How is that fair?

Depression (and everything else). Fuck you and what you have done to me. I hope that you're happy. Because I'm not.